Adoption. A very powerful word. So many unknowns. So many scenarios.
Definitely walking entirely on faith through this. Not blind, but trying to get educated & full of love & acceptance. It’s going to push all my own boundaries and it’s going to take strength that I don’t have on my own. This I know.
Love to all the mamas 💜
I continue to learn about the different kinds of mamas in the world. Those waiting to be mamas, those that have sacrificed their own motherhood to give their child life, the mamas to little angels they never got to meet. Motherhood journeys are vast & varied.
I recognize that Mother’s Day is not always happy. It can be really hard for some. There is sadness to that day for me. We buried my own mom two years ago, on May 12th. I miscarried for the finally time on Mother’s Day of that year. I said goodbye to any chance of having another biological child. I would never again be pregnant.
And I could not have gone through any of those experiences without all the other mamas in my life, supporting & loving on me.
And here we are, praying for some unknown mama to sacrifice her own motherhood so that we can give her child a life in our family. Adoption journeys come from a place of loss. I never want to forget that. The brave birth mom who chooses this path, will have all my heart & respect.
Motherhood. What a complicated & blessed thing.
As the hour approaches and this year draws to a close, it’s time to reflect a bit on 2016. {To see my previous year reviews, click here}
Age: 35
Books I kept beside the bed:
Most enjoyed restaurants/food:
Songs I’ve had on repeat:
Biggest Challenges:
Smartest decision I made: Walking through the doors of the local gym, committing to a weightlifting program, and connecting with a wonderful group of moms all doing the same thing. It’s been an incredible two months so far! I don’t feel weak anymore. I don’t feel sick. I don’t feel so broken. I like feeling my muscles work, I like the sweat & the challenge. I like the little village I’ve finally found myself in & the support & inspiration we freely give to each other. And I keep saying, as long as I walk through the doors of the gym, I’ve completed my goal. Doesn’t matter how the rest of the workout goes.
Glad I finally: Set some clear boundaries on my craft business that I’m comfortable with. Although it meant a loss in sales and having to say “no”, it was wonderful to be closed for the month of December. No markets, no online sales, no custom orders. Every year, I take steps to turn my focus to the true spirit of Christmas & going forward it will always mean being closed in December, so I can do just that.
Most thankful: For my Sammy, hubby & family. For friends, new and old. For customers & their custom orders. For getting a spot on a local adoption list. For God continuing to surprise us at every turn.
Honesty. Authenticity. Voice. Three things I’ve been trying to get more “real” about over the past few years.
More real honesty. In my feelings to myself & others.
More real authenticity. In how I share our lives, the whole rounded story, good & bad & faith led.
More real voice. In who I am & want to be. Connecting with that voice & trying to live it out.
So let me be more real with you. This week marks the 5th anniversary of my oldest brother’s death. This week I started a grief support program because I’ve finally realized I am grieving many losses (brother, mother, unborn babies & loss of my uterus). And I can’t keep going until I learn to walk with all of this a bit better. And that means talking about it.
I’m taking my mental health much more serious these days. I switch got flipped a few weeks ago while taking my antidepressants & I’ve realized how much darkness I was living in for years.
So. Today, I’m not okay. But I will be.
Hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend! We’re spending some time at our cabin in the woods with family, filling our bellies with yummy food & our hearts with much laughter. He IS Risen!
So, I just went through the most difficult time of my life. Really, I’m still journeying through it. The loss of my mom is a fresh, raw hurt that no one can actually heal. And yet, I’m still expected to get out of bed every day, make meals, take care of our son, do laundry and perform the whole “mom/wife/daughter/sister” bit. Oh yeah, and there’s that running-a-part-time-craft-business and assisting-my-husband-with-his-business role too.
Because to be honest with all of you, I can NOT do it ALL.
Janice Springer
January 5, 1947 – April 24, 2015
My sweet mom has gone into the arms of Jesus.
On the outside, I live a fairly average life. Married. One child. A cat. A house. Stay-at-home-mom. Introvert. Passion for all things crafty & creative. Learning to be a green-thumb. Dive one layer deeper and you discover that I have a very close relationship with my family, keep a small, but tight group of friends, and struggle with all the insecurities & worries that come with being a parent.
Keep going deeper… you learn that both my hubby & I balance our own small businesses, along with that close knit relationship with our family. We’re working on making our big, long-term dream of living on a farm a reality. We have a passion for happy, healthy, locally produced food and a desire to share that with everyone we meet.
Dig deeper… I’ve struggled with the health complications of massive uterine fibroid growths since 2009. Had one, highly invasive, major surgery to remove them. Except they grew back and are now bigger than before.
Keep going deeper… I started my crafty business in 2011 after being laid off from my job in Calgary’s creative tech sector. That same year I finally found myself pregnant for the first time, but sadly miscarried. A couple months later my mom was diagnosed with cancer. A week later I was pregnant again. Five months after that, my oldest brother died.
Even deeper… I witnessed & experienced the heartache of watching my oldest brother struggle with the ugly disease of alcoholism for over a decade. More heartbreaking as each year passed. I’ve gone through the uncertainty of being able to have children (going through it again as we try for baby number 2). I’ve watched my parents suffer the terrible loss of a son (it’s burned into my eyes & heart). I’ve also been watching my mom courageously battle cancer for almost four years now. The joyous birth of our own son in 2012 was seen as a huge beacon of light in my family, after much darkness.
Deeper still… my mom isn’t winning her battle with cancer. This past year her physical & mental health has declined greatly. No more chemo treatments now. Doctors just want to make her as comfortable as possible, for however long she has left. And so, after well over a decade of “lemons” being dealt our way, we go into 2015 with this very real possibility, that it will be the last year I spend with my sweet mom.
A lot of people will read everything above (and even below) and question our sanity. Some might be able to relate to a few of the life challenges we’ve walked through. And I’m hoping, that others will see it the way I struggle to see it every day; a blessed life.
Dig deep to my core… you will find my belief in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Spirit. THIS is what keeps telling me to stop seeing things as “lemons”. I truly live a very blessed life. If there is one thing that I can walk into the future with, it is an appreciation for God’s timing, right down to every heartbreaking moment. I will trust in Him. Oh, how I WILL trust in him.
I am by no means running through each day with the wind blowing in my hair, a smile plastered to my face, while I belt out praises and love with grace. I’m just a woman balancing her roles of mama, wife, daughter, sister, and now auntie; wanting to hold my family so close, but knowing I will have to let go one day. I love as best I can. I’m learning to forgive and ask forgiveness. But the greatest challenge of all, is learning to be thankful even in the darkest hours.
It’s how I’m starting to see things, not as lemons, but as part of His blessings. I can’t worry about what tomorrow or next month will bring, but only hope that I come right back to reading this post if I begin to see those “lemons” rolling my way. It’s mostly a reminder for me. I would love if it were a reminder for you too.
