It’s a very different “home sweet home” these days.

A 27′ trailer, our five-year old, my husband and myself, plus two cats. All born and raised in the city. Add in a small generator, some patio furniture, a catio, and a fire pit. Now a good heaping of sweat, dirt covered hands and feet, and laughter. A dash of faith, stewardship, and creation care.

It’s our recipe for the summer.

Good enough is perfect, everyday.

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We know just how very blessed we are. Even when it feels like we’re “roughing it”. To even have land to steward and be responsible for, is an immense blessing. We do not take it lightly.

And though there may be some complaints, and much adjusting, it has been wonderful to wake each morning on the farm, and watch each sunset on the farm. Not spending two hours on the road just to spend a day working out there.

And the sky! Oh the sky. My precious Alberta sky that never disappoints. It’s no wonder I felt choked & stuck when we lived in B.C. for a few years. I can breathe under this sky. Live under this sky. Be in constant awe of it.

The second night we spent out there, I got to witness an intense thunder storm. I watched it build up all day long in the distance and felt the power of it as it grew closer. Better than anything I could watch on TV. And even though it hailed on our crops, and leaked in through a trailer vent right over our bed, it was amazing. Rejuvenating. Affirming.

The rest of the summer might go by in a blur of weeding, hot days, unhappy cats, restless nights on an air mattress, and short supply of drinking water, but I will always remember firmly, the storm.

Because I have lived through many storms already.

God has not taken me this far, to leave me. Nor you.

Adoption. A very powerful word. So many unknowns. So many scenarios.

Definitely walking entirely on faith through this. Not blind, but trying to get educated & full of love & acceptance. It’s going to push all my own boundaries and it’s going to take strength that I don’t have on my own. This I know.

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We’re reading books, doing online workshops, listening to webinars, reaching out to others who have gone through the adoption process {adoptive parents & adoptees}, have even attended a conference Together For Adoption. Trying to be a sponge & soak it all in. Learning from other adoptive parents is becoming the most valuable thing. One day, we’ll have our own journey & experiences to share, so others can learn. One day.

Well, one day is really now.

We’ve already been on this journey for a while. So many things have conspired to bring us to this stage. That’s part of the excitement, really, because we can see how far we’ve come in our faith and in our family. Six years ago, I would never have pictured things as they are. Between immense loss and struggles, and blessings that have overflowed, God continues to surprise us. And so, envisioning how the entire adoption process will go, is full of every feeling imaginable.

And already, we’ve been faced with hard choices. Heavy. Heartbreaking. And fast. Clearly reminders that we need to walk very closely with God during all of this.

And beyond.

We really had no idea what “adoption” was when we started out on this journey. We understood the importance, some of the immensity of what we were committing ourselves to and what we felt called to do. But there is just so much more to it than we could have known. My eyes and heart have been opened up so much in such a short time.

We have been asked “why” adoption? Because it’s the only option we ever felt called to expand our family. And as Christians, we have a responsibility to care for orphans.

We have been asked “why domestic adoption?” Because the more we have learned about open adoption, the more we are in support of it. Domestic adoption offers the possibility that our adopted child could remain connected to & in contact with their birth family. That’s not likely with an international adoption. Adopting a newborn is our heart’s desire & domestic adoption offers that possibility too.

I so badly want to share all that we’re going through, but it’s been hard to know where to even start.

So it starts here. With this post.

PS – If you’re interested in your own copy of the wonderful adoption print above, check out Mumaduke Designs on Etsy, run by fellow adoptive mama Zoe.

Love to all the mamas

I continue to learn about the different kinds of mamas in the world. Those waiting to be mamas, those that have sacrificed their own motherhood to give their child life, the mamas to little angels they never got to meet. Motherhood journeys are vast & varied.

I recognize that Mother’s Day is not always happy. It can be really hard for some. There is sadness to that day for me. We buried my own mom two years ago, on May 12th. I miscarried for the finally time on Mother’s Day of that year. I said goodbye to any chance of having another biological child. I would never again be pregnant.

And I could not have gone through any of those experiences without all the other mamas in my life, supporting & loving on me.

And here we are, praying for some unknown mama to sacrifice her own motherhood so that we can give her child a life in our family. Adoption journeys come from a place of loss. I never want to forget that. The brave birth mom who chooses this path, will have all my heart & respect.

Motherhood. What a complicated & blessed thing.

As the hour approaches and this year draws to a close, it’s time to reflect a bit on 2016. {To see my previous year reviews, click here}

Age: 35

Books I kept beside the bed:

• Jan Karon’s Mitford series {still reading it}
• GriefShare workbook
• Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Most enjoyed restaurants/food:

• Last Best Brewery & Distillery
• Charcut
• The Chocolate Lab

Songs I’ve had on repeat:

• Thy Will by Layla Mackey
• Fight Song by Rachel Platten
• Good Good Father by Chris Tomlin

Biggest Challenges:

• Admitting the full extent of my depression & grief and seeking help. It’s all an upward climb to get out of the depth of the darkness, but one of the hardest parts is that first move to get help. After years of knowing my depression was getting worse, I finally realized I couldn’t go on without doing something about it. I went to my doctor and asked to start anti-depressants. I started checking in with her once a month to ensure the meds were on track & helping.
• Hiring a nanny for the summer. It might *seem* small & silly, but admitting that I needed help with childcare was a big deal for me. I’m a stay-at-home mom. So getting a nanny seemed indulgent, but I knew, I needed the help to keep my sanity & make my self-care a priority in those early months of tackling my depression.
• Committing to, showing up for, and participating in a 13 week grief support program at a local church. If you’ve ever walked through or are currently facing grief, I highly recommend the GriefShare program. It’s fully Christian based, but connecting with others who are going through loss is huge to healing.

Smartest decision I made: Walking through the doors of the local gym, committing to a weightlifting program, and connecting with a wonderful group of moms all doing the same thing. It’s been an incredible two months so far! I don’t feel weak anymore. I don’t feel sick. I don’t feel so broken. I like feeling my muscles work, I like the sweat & the challenge. I like the little village I’ve finally found myself in & the support & inspiration we freely give to each other. And I keep saying, as long as I walk through the doors of the gym, I’ve completed my goal. Doesn’t matter how the rest of the workout goes.

Glad I finally: Set some clear boundaries on my craft business that I’m comfortable with. Although it meant a loss in sales and having to say “no”, it was wonderful to be closed for the month of December. No markets, no online sales, no custom orders. Every year, I take steps to turn my focus to the true spirit of Christmas & going forward it will always mean being closed in December, so I can do just that.

Most thankful: For my Sammy, hubby & family. For friends, new and old. For customers & their custom orders. For getting a spot on a local adoption list. For God continuing to surprise us at every turn.

Much love to you & yours this New Year’s Eve! May 2017 bring the best surprises & the best changes to your life!

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Honesty. Authenticity. Voice. Three things I’ve been trying to get more “real” about over the past few years.

More real honesty. In my feelings to myself & others.

More real authenticity. In how I share our lives, the whole rounded story, good & bad & faith led.

More real voice. In who I am & want to be. Connecting with that voice & trying to live it out.

So let me be more real with you. This week marks the 5th anniversary of my oldest brother’s death. This week I started a grief support program because I’ve finally realized I am grieving many losses (brother, mother, unborn babies & loss of my uterus). And I can’t keep going until I learn to walk with all of this a bit better. And that means talking about it.

I’m taking my mental health much more serious these days. I switch got flipped a few weeks ago while taking my antidepressants & I’ve realized how much darkness I was living in for years.

So. Today, I’m not okay. But I will be.

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It’s that time again, when we all sit back and take stock of the past year and start daydreaming of what’s to come. The easiest way for me to get my brain going is to start with tidbits {Wanna know how it compares to previous years? Find them here}:

 Age: 34

Books I kept beside the bed:

• Jan Karon’s Mitford series
• Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
• a couple versions of the Bible

Best Food Discoveries:

• Cup of coffee from Monogram {best coffee in the world}
• Coffee beans from Ten Thousand Villages {coffee obviously kept me going this year}
• Deep fried bone marrow from Charcut

Some highlights:

• Being a vendor at Etsy Calgary Made In Canada market!!
• Cracking 200 sales in my Etsy shop
• Growth of the custom order side of my business
• Customer reviews that brought happy tears & made my heart swell
• Sam starting preschool
• Regular date nights and nights away with my hubby
• My brother & his family moving to our neighborhood and watching Sam playing with & loving his little cousin

Some disappointments:

• Only getting to do one market this year
• Isolating myself {partly out of necessity & exhaustion, and also out of fear}

Game Changers:

• My mom’s terminal diagnosis at the beginning of 2015, her rapid decline and the intense last month of her life & final passing, obviously changed everything. Absolutely. Everything. It’s STILL changing and reshaping me. It was the reason I only did one market. The reason I limited my social time. It was also the reason why I’ve never felt more close to God in my life. I got a taste of what it’s like to walk hand in hand with God, all day long, during that last month with my mom. That’s the only reason I was able to sit there and watch her exhale her last breath.
• And if THAT wasn’t enough to change my whole life, then surely having a hysterectomy this fall was. I have no regrets about it. It simply had to be done. It was obviously a sad decision to have to make because we so desperately wanted more children. And it is an event that will continue shape & colour our lives. As the whole surgery & recovery unfolded though, I am now honestly just thankful to be alive and blessed with my health.

Going Forward:

What does all this mean for the coming year? Well, for one thing, it means I absolutely have to spend intentional time on my mental health and self-care. AND I long to figure out how to walk hand in hand everyday with God, like I did that last month with my mom. AND I’m feeling very ready to finally embrace this body of mine {with all it’s imperfections}, visible & hidden {trying this mantra out: beauty is not a number or a shape, it’s me loving me, as I am}.

Honestly though, there are things I’m looking forward to this year, but I’m also very much aware of not having too many expectations. Not out of fear or lack of motivation or trust. It’s because I’ve seen year after year, how God does some amazing things in our lives {whether we want them to happen or not}. What I’m most excited about for this New Year, is how God will surprise us, because I know that He will. When I get out of the way, He can accomplish great things.

Wishing you all many surprises in the New Year, and looking forward to seeing how our stories unfold, together.

So, I just went through the most difficult time of my life. Really, I’m still journeying through it. The loss of my mom is a fresh, raw hurt that no one can actually heal. And yet, I’m still expected to get out of bed every day, make meals, take care of our son, do laundry and perform the whole “mom/wife/daughter/sister” bit. Oh yeah, and there’s that running-a-part-time-craft-business and assisting-my-husband-with-his-business role too.

What happens when I can’t?

Because to be honest with all of you, I can NOT do it ALL.

But I also, can’t just give up.

I’m no self-help guru. I kinda suck at taking care of myself most of the time. I’m not a positive thinker/motivational coach. That dark inner voice who tells me I’m worthless has a huge hold over me right now and I’m clawing at a lot of things to make it through each week.

I do not have answers.

All I have right now, is a list of things written down on my phone titled “Self-care”. And that’s what I want to share with you today, because probably no matter how good things are going for you, we can all use a little boost. My list is not all encompassing, it’s just what I’ve managed to do bit by bit over the past few months to make myself feel better, if even for a moment. Many of these I found particularly important when I was actually going through our family crisis (with mom in the hospital & then the hospice). You have to remember to be intentional about self-care during crisis time because you want to be fully present for your loved ones and the only way to maintain that, is to show yourself some love too. So here’s some of what kept my sanity, is still keeping my sanity:

• Hug from a friend. Such a simple act. Repeat as needed.
• Keep hydrated. Drink lots of water, treat yourself to a warm, cozy drink and if you find yourself in a hospital, indulge in eating cups of ice. Hours can pass quickly, and suddenly you realize you didn’t drink (or eat) anything.
• Don’t underestimate the impact of a nice warm (or cool) shower after a long day. Scrub off a layer of worries (and that hospital smell).
• Avoid watching shows. I typically enjoy some mindless Netflix watching in the evenings, but when I was in full crisis mode, nothing appealed to me to watch. Nothing felt real enough or important enough to spend my little down time on. (I’m back to watching my Netflix addictions nowadays though).

• Read, read, read. Keep something to read with you all the times. A bible, a novel, quick motivational quotes, that magazine you keep wanting to read. I read a lot of bible passages & reflections with my mom during the day and then read part of a good novel before bed. Reading helped to calm my mind, settle those runaway thoughts. Reading provides distraction, without the over-stimulation you can experience when watching something on a screen.
• I got into the habit of putting a tiny dab of lavender essential oil on my nose before bed. So calming and really does help me get to sleep. (Pregnant gals, use caution.)
• I use an amazing essential oil spray on my pillow & sheets before bed each night, Rooted Peace Room Spray (buy it from Cedar & Sparrow). I can’t go a single night without a spritz of this stuff (Seriously. I even take it with me if we stay at a hotel). Take some deep breathes and let the lavender scent melt your day away.
• Don’t stay up late, get rest where & when you can (even if that means taking naps at the hospital beside your loved one.
• Light a candle. Whatever your favourite scent or whatever appeals to you. I keep one in the kitchen and some days, the only self care I get, comes when I light that candle while I do the dishes in the evening. Sometimes that’s enough.

• Make your bed, open up the blinds/curtains to your bedroom & around the house. Until April, we never made our bed. I would just make it up before I got into it at night. For whatever reason, I started the habit of making our bed each morning while my mom was in the hospital. It was such a nice thing to come home to after those long days.
• Wear clothes that make you feel good. Dress a little fancier than needed. I was beyond exhausted while helping care for my mom, but I refused to show up to the hospice in my PJs. Even if it’s just a matter of throwing on a pretty lace scarf or wearing your favourite jewelry, take that extra minute in the morning to put on something that’s special to you. You’re not dressing up to impress anyone. This is simply about not putting off the good stuff or your fave outfit for some other day. Wear it today.
• Indulge in mini-treats. Buy a new nail polish or lip gloss and use them. Pick up some new craft supplies and start a simple project. Buy some gummy candies and keep them in your purse to nibble on through the day. Buy fresh flowers (even if it’s just a stem or two). Don’t ignore those small treats that bring you quick satisfaction. One little boost in your mood, will get you to the next moment & then the next.

• Talk to you husband/partner daily (we typical do a weekly review of things, but during hard times, try to do this daily to decompress & see where you can help each other)
• Delegate, ask for help, feel free to say no. More than that, ACCEPT HELP. I can be down right awful at this, but I learned a huge lesson this past spring. We are very much loved and supported, and I need to let others do some things for us. We gladly accepted meals from friends & our church during crisis time. We recently hired a cleaning lady (you have no idea how hard it was to convince myself that was OK to do), and we go out for dinner a bit more these days.

Still seeking something else?

Maybe self-care isn’t all you really need. Maybe you need someone to just sit and listen to you. Maybe you need someone you can cry to at the end of the day. You could try going to a counselor (they’re certainly not as scary as we make them out to be in our heads), or you could just try praying. Sometimes the best self-care is when we let go of our sense of control on life and hand it all over to God.

January 5, 1947 – April 24, 2015

My sweet mom has gone into the arms of Jesus.